2/25/09

First Line of Defense

This picture is irrelevant.

In my never ending quest to become the greatest writer/director on the planet, I have initiated what I like to call "Phase II." Free-Lancing is great, and I will always continue to lend my expert lancing abilities to any who may require my services (at this time that means Whistle Peak Productions AKA Andrew Tucciarone) but there comes a time in every Lancer's life when it is time to ride on.

Metaphors aside, I recently started in on a position with Creative World Awards, one of the top five screenplay contests in the nation (according to THIS SITE), as a script reader. What that means is I basically use my awesomeness and unrivaled knowledge of story structure to read people's work and judge it, thereby determining whether or not the work is good enough to pass to the next round of the competition. The great irony of the situation is that I personally submitted one of my scripts to the contest last year and didn't even make it past the prelims; prelims which I now am responsible for determining. To quote one of my own characters, "Funny old life, isn't it?"

I have been at the script reading for going on three weeks now, and its no cupcake dance. Many, many scripts exist out there (spec scripts, as in written by non-professionals) and the majority of them are about as useful as a poop flavored lollypop. I really have only found two thus far that even get above a passing grade in my book. Why is this an important position for me to be in right now? I am glad you asked. Firstly, I am sure you have at one time wondered, possibly aloud, "how do all these terrible movies get made?" Well, half of the time at least it begins with someone's script that somehow makes it up the ladder and into the hands of a person with enough money and power to see that script turned into a movie. It is a gradual progression, and if the first person who reads that script gives it a pass, it is less likely to be scrutinized on its way up because people are lazy and reading is time consuming. Therefore, if it was good enough for that first guy the second guy will likely just go with first guy's opinion and probably never even read the script itself. You can therefore see how critical it is first guy is someone with scruples and intelligence enough to discern a turd from chocotaco. I am first guy, and my net is tiny. For most, my tiny net is a death sentence.

Free-Lancer readers, take comfort knowing that I am the first line of defense, doing my part to keep as many crappy movies from getting made as I possibly can. The world only needs so many Maids in Manhattan, especially when we are still waiting on Forever Bout It.

2/23/09

The Wolverine Bump

Apparently the ratings for last night's Oscars were up over last year's, which as we all know were the lowest rated ever.

Big Hollywood
has the numbers if you want to check them out, but suffice to say that at least fifteen people watched the show this year as opposed to last year's twelve and a half.

Up on Youtube is a skit that Judd Apatow made for the ceremony with James Franco and Seth Rogan reprising their Pineapple Express roles. It is funny, if only for the scenes where the two characters laugh hysterically while watching scenes from Doubt and The Reader--because laughter is of course the appropriate response. Subtly taking jabs at the very academy that screened the short last night while at the same time apparently giving a pass to movie piracy, the short is certainly worth a look while it is still up:

And The Winner Is...

Who cares.
Apparently Wolverine hosted.

Did you do your part and not watch the Oscars last night? I'm sure it wasn't hard. The numbers aren't in yet, but I'm sure they will be low if they are released at all. It's already past noon on Monday and people have moved on. The LA Times said the show was terrible, or rather a "not exactly enchanted evening." I for one, in protest to Academy over their snubbing of The Dark Knight and their pigheaded ignorance in general did not watch even a moment. Apparently Slumdog (big surprise) won almost all the majors and Heath got his statue for all the good it does him. The thing that really pisses me off, but doesn't surprise in the slightest, is Milk in true Academy fashion winning Best Original Screenplay so that the nobody can call the Oscars homophobic anymore. In Bruges deserved that award, hands down, and I hope that Martin McDonagh knows some real life hitmen to, you know....Anyway, I've said my piece about the Oscars; they were poop like I thought they'd be and predictable to boot.

Instead of watching the show, I (against my better judgment) went with Andrew to a premiere party for a show he did work on called "Ken Sweat's Platinum House". The show is of the "reality" format and concerns the HipHop group Dru Hill (which you may recall includes "Thong Song" one-hit-wonder Sisqo) as they try, and fail, to revitalize their dead music career. Suffice to say Andrew and I were two of about six white people out of some three hundred black people packed into a tiny, upscale restaurant/club called Aquanox. Given the circumstances, Andrew made it a point to introduce himself to everybody with "Sup, I'm Andrew, my wife is black." I think he did anyway, I couldn't actually hear anything over the classic Dru Hill tunes pumping through the PA system. I just stood by the pita bread and hummus wondering why in the world such a characteristically "white person" food was being served, all the while looking sharp in my suit and attracting the unwanted attention of a couple of creepy older black women. There are only so many times the same person can bump into you with, "oh, I'm sorry, baby" before it just looks desperate.

The funniest thing about the whole affair was that, aside from two or three other crew people who had shown up, the only people Andrew knew were the members of Dru Hill themselves. I met them, and still couldn't tell you who any of them are except Sisqo is blond and another dude has crazy silver designs on the side of this head. Wikipedia says his name is "Nokio the N-Tity."

If you are bored tonight around 10 pm Eastern, you can turn on your television to the Peachtree TV network and tune into "Ken Sweat's Platinum House" (promo is HERE) where, if you are quick enough, you can spot Andrew Tucciarone's name in the credits as "House Honkey" or something like that.
I don't know if Peachtree TV exists outside of Atlanta (its a Turner station) but if it doesn't, fear not, the show is only in the pilot stages right now and it may get picked up VH1. It probably won't, but you never know.

2/20/09

In Honor of My Weekend Camping Excursion

"The Guy Urging Me on to Personal Discipline Can't Quit Smoking."

The always astute, always entertaining Dennis Miller:

Friday Batman

I will be the first to admit that it has been a week of tragically light posting. The thing is, I picked up a gig as a script reader for THESE FOLKS that takes up a lot of my time now. More on that later.

As a sort of apology, this week's Friday Batman is a little more substantial. A little while back an impressive short film was made entitled Batman: Dead End where Batman literally does battle with the Joker, Aliens, and a Predator. The short is around eight minutes, and it is really quite impressive. Before Nolan's Batman (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight) this was probably one of the best life action depictions of the Caped Crusader. It has been kicking around Youtube for a while now and has finally been posted in a decent quality. Enjoy:

2/13/09

Calvin and Hobbes on the Economy

(h/t NRO) CLICK TO ENLARGE.

Friday Batman

If you recall, there was a great deal of talk when The Dark Knight came out about how similar Bruce Wayne/Batman's battle against the Joker in that film paralleled our own (at that time) President Bush's perpetration of the War on Terror. Some small time sketch group took this idea and ran with it taking a series of Batman quotes (from the Adam West show) and a series of Bush quotes and then posing them to people on the street to see if they could pick out who said what. The results are humorous, but the stars of the show are a crazy old man with BDS and a little Asian girl who really knows her Bush and Batman:

2/12/09

People Who Are Intollerant of Other Cultures....

And the Dutch.

Say what you will about the Netherlands and the Dutch (i.e. those people are dirty, lowland dwelling, pot-smoking, silly gooses) but when it comes to Islam, they don't pussyfoot around. You may remember a certain Dutch filmmaker and nephew of legendary painter, Theo Van Gogh who was knifed to death for a documentary he made about Islam that exposed their fascist and tyrannical treatment of women specifically. It was a Dutch paper that caused so much stir a while back by publishing cartoons of Muhammad (any depiction of the "prophet" is forbidden under Islam and punishable by death.) Basically, the Dutch have proven they aren't afraid of Muslims and are going to do anything they want to openly condemn the cult of violence that is Islam.

Along comes my new hero, the fantastically named Geert Wilders. He is, if you are unaware, a Dutch politician responsible for the production of an anti-Islam documentary ""Fitna," which calls the Koran a "fascist" book and accuses Islam of being a violent religion." (Foxnews.com)

The documentary is being screened in Britian, but the now notoriously pansy Brit government (which has caved into Islam repeatedly over the past few years out of fear and cowardice) refused Geert entry into the UK to attended the screening saying his comments and policy on Islam
"threatenen community security" (wait, you mean like terrorism? Islamic terrorism?) Geert said screws to you John Bull, and hopped a plan to Heathrow on principle daring the lipwrist limeys to arrest him while openly calling the British government "weak and cowardly". He was inevitably detained and is to be sent back to Dutchland proving that England will punish anyone....that they aren't afraid of.

People on the internets, I am here to tell you that like Geert, and unlike the Brits, The Free-Lancer is not afraid of Islam. The Free-Lancer agree whole heartedly agrees with the belief that Islam is a violent cult and that the War on Terror cannot be won if we do like England and cave into the demands of Muslims. Thus, right here and right now you can watch the documentary by our friend Geert and see for yourself was is so "threatening to community security."


2/11/09

Terds

I don't think much of Tarantino, but his new WWII flick (that has been in development hell for years and at one point was going to star Adam Sandler) looks pretty sweet. Any movie where a bunch of American soldiers kill a whole bunch of Nazi's is just fine by me. I can't embed the trailer, but here is the LINK TO THE TEASER ON YAHOO.

Nazi scalps? I'm down. However, when are people going to realize that Brad Pitt CANNOT do a Southern accent. His past three films he's been trying to pull it off, and Brad ole boy, you just ain't got it.

An All Consuming Fire

Anyone who has ever been to, or knows even a little about Australia knows that bush fires are an unfortunately regular occurrence. It is not uncommon when driving around outside of the major metropolitan areas to see these signs:
My grandfather was a forester and an emergency fire fighter in Florida. He was all too well acquainted with the damage an unchecked blaze could do to population. Florida has seen plenty of forest fires, as has California even as recently as last year. People like my grandfather knew (as surely any sensible Australian knows) that firebreaks are crucial to preventing widespread damage from fires. What are fire breaks? Stretches of land cleared down to the dirt. To saves lives, trees have to be cut down. My grandfather also knew that controlled burns to removed undergrowth were vital. To save lives, grass and shrubs must be burned off. Apparently though, environmentalists do not possess the common sense my grandfather did (but of course.)

If you have been watching the news at all this week you know that Victoria, Australia has been turned into hell on earth. The worst bush fires in the history of the continent have scorched Oz and killed lots of people, injured more, ruined property, and just generally destroyed lives (not to mention the millions of dead Roos and the like.) There were fears that the fires might have been started deliberately by Islamic terrorist who have called for "forest jihad", or basically large scale arson. However the fires started, the quick escalation seems to be due to pigheaded ignorance by the no doubt Al Gore influenced Victorian government and its stupid "green" policy. For "environmental" reasons the local governments in Victoria forbid the cutting down of trees or mowing of grass in public lands. A man who lost two members of his family summed up the issue:

"We've lost two people in my family because you dickheads won't cut trees down."

Financial Advice

If you screw up in today's world, and you wind up in debt up to your eyeballs, chances are the Federal government will bail you out. That is, until--just like you--they run out of money they don't have! A vicious cycle is being generated, with no clear way to end it. Oh wait, yeah there is, and SNL seems to have hit upon the solution. Pay attention Andrew, this one is aimed at you:

2/10/09

Spare the Rod

This one is for you Chris:
Accordingly to a ridiculously sensationalized article from the local CBS news channel in Chicago, upwards of eight hundred kids in Chicago public schools have reported being beaten by teachers. The first thing that came to my mind was, good, I got beat plenty of times during my tenure in private school and I firmly believe I benefited from corporal punishment. I read through the article that cites such atrocities as teachers giving "100 licks with a belt" or "grabbing the students by the arm forcefully."

Apparently all the hitting couldn't beat good grammar into ten year old Treveon Martin who is quoted as saying:

"He holded my arms and he picked my body up, and then he just slammed me on the desk."

and

"My back really hurted, and then at the end of the day, I had to go the hospital."

and finally the grammatically correct but absurd,

"He hurt my feelings."

The article claims Treveon's (I'm spelling that right) mother took him to the hospital where he was treated for a "contusion on his back." A bruise. His ignorant mother took her equally ignorant child to the hospital (no doubt the ER) where they tied up precious resources in order to treat poor "hurted" Treveon's back bruise. Here is a picture of the victim for you to laugh at with scorn:
Take notice of the hurt feelings.

2/9/09

Judgement Day

Get the title? It's a Terminator reference.

Here at the Free-Lancer, we are big supporters of Christian Bale, and not just because he brought Batman to life with such explosive awesomeness. No, we like Bale because he is a fine actor who, since childhood, has expertly honed his craft to the point where he is the go-to guy for solid performances in any genre. That, and he's Welsh.

As such a big fan of Bale, you might be wondering why I personally did not comment on the now legendary audio sound-byte of Bale ripping DP Shane Hurlbut a new one on the set of Terminator Salvation. You might also be wondering why last week's Friday Batman did not predictably include the "Bale Out" remix of said tirade (which is admittedly hilarious.) The reason for my silence was due to the fact that I knew more would out on this situation. I knew that, without being on set and having the proper context, the audio made Bale look like a total jerk and that he would inevitably apologize publicly. He does, and he did. But finally the context of the situation is beginning to come into focus as Radar Online reports this tidbit that I have suspected from the beginning:
Bale became a hero to cast and crew after his tirade against Hurlbut, who was widely despised, sources tell RadarOnline.com exclusively. "Hurlbut was a condescending (bleep) to everyone," a source told us. His favorite line was "Why don't you go stab yourself in the head, you idiot."
Having worked on sets and met a lot of "industry" people, none of any of this situation surprised me. Many of the DP's and Directors in Hollywood are privileged morons who happen to have connections (how else could you explain a man who is responsible for the Charlie's Angel movies and actually calls himself McG professionally?) and therefore the ego quotient on set is astronomical. Bale can't be excused for his outburst, but he shouldn't be judged by it (and he apologized.) Hurlburt does not deserve to look like a victim and I'm glad people will now have a chance to get both sides of the story. Although, DOB already tackled this last week.

2/6/09

Friday Batman

In today's Friday Batman, the unfathomably horrible Batman and Robin film gets a good thrashing courtesy of Rifftrax (watch this then look up their other stuff on Youtube. 'Tis quite humorous.)

2/5/09

In For a Penny, In For a Fail

This has probably been kicking around for a while, but it just made it to failblog today. The stupidity of the world makes me want to cry, and how the young man in the clip didn't completely loose his cool with the Vorizon people is a testament to his patience.



The funny addendum to the episode in question is that most people wouldn't have even caught that error in the first place.

In the Wake of Political Correctness

Tropic Thunder was a small victory last year in the war on PC.

When I was a child, the world was yet still free from the tyranny of Political Correctness. PC existed, to be sure (as Disney's ignominious squashing of Song of the South is testament to), but the strength of the Reagan Presidency was able to hold back the inevitable tide of destruction. Thanks mainly in part to a climate in the media bolstered by Conservative optimism, I was able to be raised on cartoons like G.I. Joe where combat with guns was not taboo. Though Disney would never deign (sometime after the 70's) to depict killing, or even blood in a cartoon, it was not uncommon for popular animation to visit the subject frequently. I was therefore fortunate to enjoy classics that would never get made today; those being the 1982 Don Bluth classic The secret of NIMH and the 1975 adaptation of Rudyard Kipling's Rikki Tikki Tavi.

Both animated features kept me alternating between fascination and horror. There are parts in both films which, to this day, still send chills down my spin. Both are stories of great courage and sacrifice featuring clear cut villains who ultimately meet a just, and violent end at the hands of the heroes. However, especially in the case of Rikki Tikki Tavi, they are products of a bygone era.

Rudyard Kipling used to be a household name. His Just So stories would be on every child's bookshelf next to The Jungle Book (of which Rikki Tikki Tavi is a part) . His poetry used to be studied extensively in middle and high schools, and at one point filmic adaptations of his work were revered (Gunga Din and The Man Who Would Be King were both nominated for Oscars.)
However, in today's "modern" age Kipling is ignored or despised, dismissed or disdained as an "imperialist", "racists", or simply a "rustic" and therefore inconsequential. Even when his work is given attention today it is either to be used as a benchmark for the "progression" of literature (i.e. "look at how racists this guy was! His stories are so silly. We've come a long way.") or to be openly destroy and rebuilt as PC polemics themselves as is evidenced by Disney's 1994 live action version of The Jungle Book wherein the white British soldiers are the villains.

I do my part to shatter PC illusions, and bring to the world the joy I had as a child. So too do many humble others (whether wittingly or no) like the kind fellow who broke the animated Rikki Tikki Tavi into three parts and put it up on Youtube. This cartoon scared me as a kid, with the evil snakes Nag and Nagina and Orson Welles frighteningly cold narration, but I have always loved it. Watch it as your first reevaluation of Kipling (should you require such) and then move forward into his other work, such as his meticulously metred poetry. The Free-Lancer bids you join in the fight against PC....Enjoy:

PART ONE


PART TWO


PART THREE

2/3/09

Where Are Our Odes?



"You want to talk of Keats and Milton, she only wants to talk of love..." --Professor Henry Higgins

Say what you will about the Romantics, but you cannot deny that more pieces of poetry written in the 19th century will be read and remembered long after the world has forgotten Maya Angelou. Poetry in the traditional sense is no longer important (as I argued previously HERE), however modern poetry and modern poets still stylize themselves in such pretentious ways that not only is their work vainly inconsequential, it isn't even enjoyable to read. It seems that if a poem isn't feminist, racial, or involving child abuse it doesn't get printed these days. Call me a romantic if you will (for tis true) but I long for the time when a great poem could be written about a vase and still have a profound impact on literature.

ODE ON A GRECIAN URN by JOHN KEATS
THOU still unravish'd bride of quietness,
Thou foster-child of Silence and slow Time,
Sylvan historian, who canst thus express
A flowery tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What leaf-fringed legend haunts about thy shape 5
Of deities or mortals, or of both,
In Tempe or the dales of Arcady?
What men or gods are these? What maidens loth?
What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?
What pipes and timbrels? What wild ecstasy? 10

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter; therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave 15
Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal—yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair! 20

Ah, happy, happy boughs! that cannot shed
Your leaves, nor ever bid the Spring adieu;
And, happy melodist, unwearièd,
For ever piping songs for ever new;
More happy love! more happy, happy love! 25
For ever warm and still to be enjoy'd,
For ever panting, and for ever young;
All breathing human passion far above,
That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd,
A burning forehead, and a parching tongue. 30

Who are these coming to the sacrifice?
To what green altar, O mysterious priest,
Lead'st thou that heifer lowing at the skies,
And all her silken flanks with garlands drest?
What little town by river or sea-shore, 35
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of its folk, this pious morn?
And, little town, thy streets for evermore
Will silent be; and not a soul, to tell
Why thou art desolate, can e'er return. 40

O Attic shape! fair attitude! with brede
Of marble men and maidens overwrought,
With forest branches and the trodden weed;
Thou, silent form! dost tease us out of thought
As doth eternity: Cold Pastoral! 45
When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.' 50

You Can Piss in One Hand and Hope in the Other...

Oh Sure, Barack, this government thing is all one big gas.

Nothing inspires a struggling nation like confidence and leadership. Thanks to a population of idiots, our nation has a government comprised of neither. President Obama says it will be "years, not months" before things start to "get better." He is certainly doing his best to make that statement fact.

Today, in a victory for common sense (rare these days) and as a further demonstration of the Democratic Party's ineptitude and corruption, two of Obama's hand-picked nominees for cabinet positions "withdrew." Tom Daschle couldn't even win reelection of his senate seat in 2004, mostly thanks to property-tax scam he perpetrated (You can reminisce on that classic episode HERE) and yet our President still thought it would be a good idea to make him the Secretary of Health and Human Services (which does what, exactly?). If you follow the news at all, you know that it was revealed that Daschle cheated on his income taxes to the tune of some 120 grand. However, after a lame-ass apology, Obama pretty much said "whatever" and decided to let things roll. We now receive this ham-fisted statement from the Whitehouse:
This morning Tom Daschle asked me to withdraw his nomination for Secretary of Health and Human Services. I accept his decision with sadness and regret….Tom made a mistake, which he has openly acknowledged. He has not excused it, nor do I. But that mistake, and this decision, cannot diminish the many contributions Tom has made to this country from his years in the military to his decades of public service.
Then, there is the little matter of Obama's "Chief Performance Officer." You can't make this stuff up:

Nancy Killefer, who failed for a year and a half to pay employment taxes on household help, has withdrawn her candidacy to be the first chief performance officer for the federal government, the White House said Tuesday. Killefer was the second major Obama administration nominee to withdraw and the third to have tax problems complicate their nomination after President Barack Obama announced their selection.The White House said Obama had accepted Killefer’s decision and that the 55-year-old executive with consulting giant McKinsey & Co., would explain her reasons for pulling out later Tuesday.When her selection was announced by Obama on Jan. 7, The Associated Press disclosed that in 2005 the District of Columbia government had filed a $946.69 tax lien on her home for failure to pay unemployment compensation tax on household help.

Drudge is calling the events a circus, and I couldn't agree more. Is this the change we need? Is the hope that is so audacious? I would say I told you so, but I think our Vice President already put it better than I ever could: