First Line of Defense

This picture is irrelevant.

In my never ending quest to become the greatest writer/director on the planet, I have initiated what I like to call "Phase II." Free-Lancing is great, and I will always continue to lend my expert lancing abilities to any who may require my services (at this time that means Whistle Peak Productions AKA Andrew Tucciarone) but there comes a time in every Lancer's life when it is time to ride on.

Metaphors aside, I recently started in on a position with Creative World Awards, one of the top five screenplay contests in the nation (according to THIS SITE), as a script reader. What that means is I basically use my awesomeness and unrivaled knowledge of story structure to read people's work and judge it, thereby determining whether or not the work is good enough to pass to the next round of the competition. The great irony of the situation is that I personally submitted one of my scripts to the contest last year and didn't even make it past the prelims; prelims which I now am responsible for determining. To quote one of my own characters, "Funny old life, isn't it?"

I have been at the script reading for going on three weeks now, and its no cupcake dance. Many, many scripts exist out there (spec scripts, as in written by non-professionals) and the majority of them are about as useful as a poop flavored lollypop. I really have only found two thus far that even get above a passing grade in my book. Why is this an important position for me to be in right now? I am glad you asked. Firstly, I am sure you have at one time wondered, possibly aloud, "how do all these terrible movies get made?" Well, half of the time at least it begins with someone's script that somehow makes it up the ladder and into the hands of a person with enough money and power to see that script turned into a movie. It is a gradual progression, and if the first person who reads that script gives it a pass, it is less likely to be scrutinized on its way up because people are lazy and reading is time consuming. Therefore, if it was good enough for that first guy the second guy will likely just go with first guy's opinion and probably never even read the script itself. You can therefore see how critical it is first guy is someone with scruples and intelligence enough to discern a turd from chocotaco. I am first guy, and my net is tiny. For most, my tiny net is a death sentence.

Free-Lancer readers, take comfort knowing that I am the first line of defense, doing my part to keep as many crappy movies from getting made as I possibly can. The world only needs so many Maids in Manhattan, especially when we are still waiting on Forever Bout It.

The Wolverine Bump

Apparently the ratings for last night's Oscars were up over last year's, which as we all know were the lowest rated ever.

Big Hollywood has the numbers if you want to check them out, but suffice to say that at least fifteen people watched the show this year as opposed to last year's twelve and a half.

Up on Youtube is a skit that Judd Apatow made for the ceremony with James Franco and Seth Rogan reprising their Pineapple Express roles. It is funny, if only for the scenes where the two characters laugh hysterically while watching scenes from Doubt and The Reader--because laughter is of course the appropriate response. Subtly taking jabs at the very academy that screened the short last night while at the same time apparently giving a pass to movie piracy, the short is certainly worth a look while it is still up:

And The Winner Is...

Who cares.

Apparently Wolverine hosted.

Did you do your part and not watch the Oscars last night? I'm sure it wasn't hard. The numbers aren't in yet, but I'm sure they will be low if they are released at all. It's already past noon on Monday and people have moved on. The LA Times said the show was terrible, or rather a "not exactly enchanted evening." I for one, in protest to Academy over their snubbing of The Dark Knight and their pigheaded ignorance in general did not watch even a moment. Apparently Slumdog (big surprise) won almost all the majors and Heath got his statue for all the good it does him. The thing that really pisses me off, but doesn't surprise in the slightest, is Milk in true Academy fashion winning Best Original Screenplay so that the nobody can call the Oscars homophobic anymore. In Bruges deserved that award, hands down, and I hope that Martin McDonagh knows some real life hitmen to, you know....Anyway, I've said my piece about the Oscars; they were poop like I thought they'd be and predictable to boot.

Instead of watching the show, I (against my better judgment) went with Andrew to a premiere party for a show he did work on called "Ken Sweat's Platinum House". The show is of the "reality" format and concerns the HipHop group Dru Hill (which you may recall includes "Thong Song" one-hit-wonder Sisqo) as they try, and fail, to revitalize their dead music career. Suffice to say Andrew and I were two of about six white people out of some three hundred black people packed into a tiny, upscale restaurant/club called Aquanox. Given the circumstances, Andrew made it a point to introduce himself to everybody with "Sup, I'm Andrew, my wife is black." I think he did anyway, I couldn't actually hear anything over the classic Dru Hill tunes pumping through the PA system. I just stood by the pita bread and hummus wondering why in the world such a characteristically "white person" food was being served, all the while looking sharp in my suit and attracting the unwanted attention of a couple of creepy older black women. There are only so many times the same person can bump into you with, "oh, I'm sorry, baby" before it just looks desperate.

The funniest thing about the whole affair was that, aside from two or three other crew people who had shown up, the only people Andrew knew were the members of Dru Hill themselves. I met them, and still couldn't tell you who any of them are except Sisqo is blond and another dude has crazy silver designs on the side of this head. Wikipedia says his name is "Nokio the N-Tity."

If you are bored tonight around 10 pm Eastern, you can turn on your television to the Peachtree TV network and tune into "Ken Sweat's Platinum House" (promo is HERE) where, if you are quick enough, you can spot Andrew Tucciarone's name in the credits as "House Honkey" or something like that.
I don't know if Peachtree TV exists outside of Atlanta (its a Turner station) but if it doesn't, fear not, the show is only in the pilot stages right now and it may get picked up VH1. It probably won't, but you never know.

In Honor of My Weekend Camping Excursion

"The Guy Urging Me on to Personal Discipline Can't Quit Smoking."

The always astute, always entertaining Dennis Miller:

Miller time
by luvnews

Friday Batman

I will be the first to admit that it has been a week of tragically light posting. The thing is, I picked up a gig as a script reader for THESE FOLKS that takes up a lot of my time now. More on that later.

As a sort of apology, this week's Friday Batman is a little more substantial. A little while back an impressive short film was made entitled Batman: Dead End where Batman literally does battle with the Joker, Aliens, and a Predator. The short is around eight minutes, and it is really quite impressive. Before Nolan's Batman (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight) this was probably one of the best life action depictions of the Caped Crusader. It has been kicking around Youtube for a while now and has finally been posted in a decent quality. Enjoy:

Calvin and Hobbes on the Economy

(h/t NRO) CLICK TO ENLARGE.